Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
