id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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