Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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