Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
