This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
