HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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