This is not my ceiling
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
