Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
