Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
