just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
