Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Randomize
