She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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