make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
