you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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