I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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