I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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