my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
