My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
