Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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