Four minutes until I can fart!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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