she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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