I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
