I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
