Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
