Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
