I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
