I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
