i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
