i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
