No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You are a genius and a whore.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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