Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
