just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
