its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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