I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
