Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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