holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
