Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
