I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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