Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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