If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i drank out of a bidet.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
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