u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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