I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
