Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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