I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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