I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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