He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
