somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i believe in u and ur pee
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
