I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
