yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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