Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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