Who did Billy Mays play for?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
