I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
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