So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
