She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
