I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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