take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize