I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
