So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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