Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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