I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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