Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
bring money and cleavage
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Randomize
