Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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